Friday, March 11, 2016

I am at another turning point of my life.. go back and take risk? Or stay?

I will graduate from NAIST, Japan in October 2016. (this year!)

That's so fast! Other than hopeless academic paper I am trying to pursue right now, the question is, what next?

Do I want to stay here and work a bit longer? This is tempting, as I will have more chance to learn more Japanese language.. which does not happen in this master degree course because I have been so busy.. maybe it is also easier to go to some game conference, comiket or M3. (I went to JAEPO this year to watch FEFEMZ pwns everyone live in DDR!)

I made some Japanese friend who compose music in Twitter.. I even managed to met one IRL... maybe if I stay here that kind of experience will come again?

If that is what I want from this country.. now it's time to do job hunting isn't it?

Asides from difficulty of finding jobs and getting enough Japanese proficiency to sit well in the company, to be able to get a job then survive in Japan... the next question is, for how long?

I planned for 1 year actually. I want to try working here for 1 year. But if I say that to any company they will reject me for sure.

So my solution might be an internship, so I am thinking of applying for some available internship because I cannot lie to company that I will stay forever and then left.. that would cause trouble for their HR.

It would be easy without the next concern, what about my game?

What exactly is the situation of my game when I am doing this master degree? It's terrible. I do have time to work on it, but I don't have the flow that's so important to keep moving on personal project. I have to switch back and forth, doing many things. Making games in free time did not work out. (like parents like to suggest otherwise)

If I decided to work here, wouldn't the same thing happen again for another year? Can I afford to go through that again just to have enough money to survive in this country?

I do regret if I cannot experience working in this country anymore, but.. I think I will also regret in the future if I choose to stay here. It's hard to picture the situation now, the same as it is hard to picture the research life here before I came to Japan.

I can imagine myself working day to night, with little time for my game.. when I came back to my dorm, I would be all exhausted like I am now and have to play some games and then go to sleep.

The other alternative, going back to Thailand, and start working on my game. Is very risky. I never once in my life work on my game without any "insurance" supporting my life. In university I have the study so maybe I can get other job. After university I joined Extend Interactive that also make games and I did my own games after that. I came to Japan I do research to ensure my master degree certificate so that, again, maybe I have more chance at other jobs while doing my own game after coming back from the lab.

But now, I am going to fight for living with my damn own game? Is it possible? What if I run out of money? What to do? (Get a proper job, I suppose..)

Maybe I have to get hurt first, to know that make games for living is impossible. Without trying, maybe I will keep regretting "what if I work on my game full-time" all the time I am doing other things. If I do it and I failed, maybe I can become a full-fledged lifeless office worker.. without worries.

I can come back to Japan for traveling right..? I can also train my Japanese language in Thailand I suppose...?

Or, I can get a job in Japan now. The full-time-on-my-game can come later?

If the order is possible, it then became a matter of "age". What do I want to do at young age? (not so young now actually) What can I do later at 3x age? What will I regret if I did not do it in my 2x age?

I think... its making my own games that can make me a living. That's it. I KNOW ALL ALONG damnit. It would be so cool to be able to do that in my 26-28 maybe, more than gaining doctoral degree, more than becoming loyal business man to some company. That things can come later in my thirties! But that's so risky that I myself became afraid just thinking about it.

Before I typed all this, I was writing Rakuten internship application. I WAS ABOUT TO SUBMIT IT. But the last page asks for resume. I did not update my resume for so long so I pushed the convenient "Save Draft" button.

Even before this, I just attended job hunting conference. The future is not bright, all the place requires N3 JLPT (which I think in reality it would be more like N2-N1) and if I say 1 year no one will hire me. I was desperately searching for internship job that allow me to work for shorter time.

There are multiple times along this master degree journey, that I think I have chosen the wrong path. "What the hell am I doing here!" is what usually crossed my mind while having headache (for real) in front of my computer with Duel Otters open, trying to update the game with a brain full of laboratory works. But at the same time, being here for 2 years sure is nice. I did not travel that much though, because I have to make my games, I have to practice making music, learn Japanese and I have to graduate. Shuffling these make my life a lot messy.

But I am glad that I choose to take master degree here despite many undesirable things. My lab is great. It's a part of important life experience. I won't continue doctoral for sure, since that's 3 years, and I have already experienced researching. I don't want any more hardcore version of it.

Will I glad again if I decided to work here?  ...the probability is lower from my guess, since I already stay here for 2 years. The next year is for what.. money? work experience...? Is those things matter in making games on your own? (no) Is those things matter in your future career? (yes, but will I regret the chance to give it a shot at my own game again, for like, 5th times now?)

My mind is still not made up at this point. Why am I hesitating really? Partly because if I leave this country, to comeback it would require big cost of traveling just to get my fill of Japan. But at the same time having been here for about 2 years I did nothing that travelers do...

The best case scenario is of course, I go back, my game finished after a year, I made some money, and I will fly here with 30-day JR Rail Pass!! Annnnd I will use my secretly learned Japanese proficiency N1 in Thailand to meet with all my Twitter friends! Then we go play music games together!!

It will probably not happening though..

One last scary thing,

Is this choice "make my game" really a choice? Is it all an illusion/delusion? Did I overestimate myself with this silly thing and made it up? Is that why almost everyone get a job at other person's company? Well, if that's true then I'm royally screwed.

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