Tuesday, June 2, 2015

An analysis of "Why can I keep going on?"

It's been quite a long time since the last post isn't it?

Quite many people asked why the hell can I keep on doing many things by myself? (In making games I program, draw, animate characters, make music and do PR like making website, promotional videos and maintaining FB pages, Twitter account etc.)

I definitely don't want to say I am a genius. Most of the things I do I used Google anyway and so everyone can do that if they have 1. computer 2. internet 3. English 4. the want.

But recently I have been seriously thinking that I am probably much different from the past me. (by past I mean 5 years ago or something) Previously I was a kind of hopeful, positive, carefree guy. Now I think I still am a carefree guy (lol) but different kind of that.

It is because failed endeavors that makes me who I am today.

Nowadays when I do things, when I hope for something I still put my all into it. But now always with assumption that it will probably fail in the end.

I don't know if I put less effort into it than everyone else or something but it seemed that everyone around me is having "success" and "fulfilled" wish. Or maybe I just extremely unlucky? I think that is not the case if it happens every damn time.

Imagine you have a hope which you held on for quite a long time. One day you realized it is shattered. Fucking shattered. Yesterday was still ok but now it is ending. It will probably hurt you much and continue to hurt you for no one knows how long.

And another new hope which you also kind of believe in it. This time you see the sign. The bad sign of it drifting away. You think you can do something about it but instead what you do just accelerate the process of ruination. And then finally after long period of pain it is gone, again.

You are probably really really hurt right now and the mask you put on your face is getting thicker and thicker. Then you remembered something. Another hope from the long past. It gives you the determination to go on once again. After consecutively sinking boat you cling on to little bits of log that happen to pass by. You positively think that this log will be much better than those boats that sunk.

However nothing is going to be a success no matter what you tried. You noticed the same pattern. It is happening again and you can kind of seeing the end instantly. You should learn to let go and recover quickly by now BUT PLOT TWIST because it is a hope you held on for longer than any other promises you believe in, you manage to trick yourself to positively believe once again. What a great reason to go on.

Of course storm will hit you hard and wreck you to nothing. (I literally got hit by the fucking storm btw. That was very good near-death experience I must say.) And no, this time you cannot do anything about it. You can't even make it worse. You just watch it slowly (or quite quickly) going away. Alright I will finally tell you that all of the "you" mentioned earlier was actually me lol. But what next?

It is so desperate. Is there anymore things to cling onto again? Now the remains is nothing but myself. Only me.

I still smile and tackle problems like I always do. I am not gonna let anything do "spiral down" progression to me (game design terms where bad things make you sucks and then when you sucks you are doomed to do more sucky things indefinitely without ways to recover until you game over)

But those experiences already changed the inside me I guess. I am still carefree and silly, I still put high effort in the next thing I wanted to do, but it is weird that now at the same time I am ready for it to fail from the start. My experience told me that it hurts whenever you believe in the end result.

So the solution of current me is just to do it and give it my all. Don't think about something else and just do... what I want. Don't even think of result or hardship.

This returns to the topic of why I keep on doing seemingly ridiculous things. Because for other people they think that if it is not worth it they will not do it. Which is fair enough.

But for me I know it will be a failure once again and again. If everything will fail then I have no worry to not doing anything. Doing is 100% better than not doing when result is not concerned. There is no "not worth it" when nothing is going to happen in the end.

And I think I gained STR because each time it hurts, it hurts less and less. I wonder if this keep going on will I became an emotionless robot..

This should go into my (more) personal blog though, but since it is in English (In Thai I can't type this kind of things) and kind of related to working on games (a bit) I decided to put it in here. No one is gonna read all this anyway!

Ps. For Duel Otters, I have submit the game for Bitsummit 2015 at Kyoto, Japan! If it passed the selection process things are gonna be fun! I can't wait to bring happiness to people at the event... I am always this kind of person if I think about it.

When I practice cooking I always pictured someone will enjoy it.
When I practice drawing I wanted certain someone to see it.
When I make games I wanted certain someone to laugh with it.

I may like to work independently, but without other people in mind I cannot do it.

"Ps." is suppose to end the post but I wanted to talk more, sorry! Now that I think about it, I never do things for myself. Really. I always fight for other people. Maybe that is also the reason I keep on going and I keep finding new hope to hold on.

Because without one I have no reason to do anything. It's weird. Maybe it is because I graduate from engineer-based degree so I like to create things for other people? Hints : All my past games have been made with someone in mind. But it is all my delusions that "that someone" would play it. At least I can finish the game and that is good enough I think!

I will let you know one secret of an indie game developer and then you can use this to exploit me I guess.

When the work you like involving sitting in front of the computer for like 10 hours alone every day, the only thing you can show to someone is the finished product. Sometimes I really envy those normal day job or public service job that people can appreciate them as they do the work. There are those who being praised for working hard. There are people giving you support as you are going through hard times because it is visible.

It is really a shame that no one can know how awesome the things is going on my computer screen while I'm making a game. Sometimes when I'm feeling down there is no one that can understand and back me up because my work is not visible to others. How the hell can someone read my mind and rescue me? It seemed like an introvert's job, but in reality I really wanted to talk about it. I have a page about game programming, and when someone direct message me I can't stop talking.

I was feeling really down. Usually it will take about 10 days to recover being alone like this but then someone decided to chat me at that very moment. The conversation is not related to my problems at all (it is just about buying a laptop lol), but I feel like crying that finally I have someone to talk to. Probably that person would not think it will became such a big deal for me, but I wanted to sincerely thank you so much, at least here. (If I say that directly the atmosphere would be weird, and I will be at risk that the person wouldn't want to talk to me anymore. If that happen my life will be completely fucked lol)

Because of this, it is very important to hold onto something in mind as you slowly progressing alone. You don't have much backups. You must believe and have faith.

Being a person who likes to create, I don't have anything else. I'm not cool. I'm not capable of taking a good care of someone. I can't show any real-time skill like musicians either. (Took me 10 sec to figure out next note to play on a piano) And it is a shame that I have no chance to socialize much since I don't like to party or drinking. Instead I sit here in front of my computer, and always making something, hoping that the end product will make someone happy.

That's why it hurts so much losing someone that you have always thought you would show your creations to for years.

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